The C Word

“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.” -Unknown

Impulsiveness, intrusive thoughts, uncontrollable emotions. Not being able to stop myself from making the biggest mistakes or even being able to explain why I chose to do it. It’s frustrating and makes me feel so helpless. Mental health isn’t an excuse for behaviour and I will never use it as an excuse to get away with being a bad person. I know how toxic I can be sometimes and just how bad I can get. I just wish people would understand my brain works differently. I see things and overthink them to the point of creating a situation that didn’t even happen so I feel better about it.

B. P. D. is waking up feeling like you have something to prove everyday. It’s feeling like a king one moment then the next it’s absolute self hatred. It’s self destruction and destroys relationships. It’s making yourself feel so isolated because you honestly cannot explain why you did what you did. It’s thinking that you’ve done the right thing in the moment then a few days later you actually think about it and become so embarrassed you can’t even face your mistake. It’s gut wrenching and it sucks so bad because there’s no medication or therapy that can help it. Therapists have turned me away for being to complicated because I can explain why I thought I was doing the right thing but I still did the wrong thing regardless.

Please have patience with me. I know I’ve destroyed a lot of things and I’m trying so hard to fix them. But it’s like everything I touch, I destroy. It’s been so hard to explain my thoughts and why I think like this but I guess this is the only way to really express it.

“Letting go does not mean you stop caring. It means you stop trying to force others too.” – Mandy Hale

Some of the things I’ve learnt this past week are things I wish I’d known sooner. You cannot beg someone to want you when they just don’t and you can’t ask them to be the person you need if they aren’t. There’s only so much effort that you can put into someone before you realise you have a lot more self worth then what they give you. I won’t stop caring and I won’t stop making the effort to involve you but I’m done trying to make an effort for you. I have always been the one to fall in love fast and when you said you loved me I honestly couldn’t believe it.

I don’t know how else to say this but as much as I want you to be apart of my life, you just can’t until you realise the truth. Whether it’s now or in a few months time maybe you’ll see. But I can’t make you and I won’t. I’ve given up on trying to be the one who starts the conversations and gives you updates on life. If you want updates you need to make an effort because I’m done. I’m sorry and I love you but for now I wish you the best.

Love is hard, but it’s worth it.

What’s the worst pain you’ve ever felt? If someone had asked me this a year or two ago, I would’ve answered something juvenile or silly. Like stubbing my toe or losing a character from a movie or book that wasn’t real. Now I’ll answer falling in love. That shit hurts. It fills you so deeply with passion and happiness that you’re blinded by the shit they can do to you. They’ll hurt you or you’ll hurt them and you won’t even realise how bad it actually was until you break up. Falling in love with someone who doesn’t share the same love as you do is honestly gut wrenching. It’s bitter and lonely and makes you feel so helpless.

You go through so much with someone and you don’t want to start over with someone else. It’s torture. You don’t want to trust or open up to someone new. You want to fix things over a hundred times with your person because they’re your person. They’re who you love and you saw a future with. It’s knowing when to let go that hurts the most. Sometimes the rope is tighter and more painful around your hand from holding on then it would be to let go. So please just let go. Stop hurting yourself for the sake of someone else. If they loved you the way you wanted them too then they wouldn’t ever put themselves into the position of hurting you or losing you. Just remember who has your back at the end of the day. Hint. It’s you

“I really don’t understand myself anymore” Unknown

Staring at these white walls, all I see is blank. Perhaps it’s room for opportunity and or something waiting to be drawn on. No one knows what it’s meant to be but they know it’ll eventually be something. People are much like that. Very blank and ready to become something more then what they are already. I can’t help but feel the same. No matter how many marks are drawn on my skin, no matter what hair colour I do, I always feel blank.

This is no ones fault but my own as I have deeper and unresolved personal issues, however I feel nonchalant and bored. I do all these things to make myself seen or heard or just to express whatever is going on in this caged mind of mine but I’ll never get out. There is a gaping wound that needs something to fill it and I’m craving the warmth of a familiar grasp. Too bad I won’t feel it soon.

I’m lost with who I am and I relate to these white walls. Because without other people guiding me, I’m just a blank canvas waiting for someone to make their mark and make me something more. I’m always someone’s something, never knowing who I truly am or who I want to be. I guess I’ll figure it out eventually but for now I’ll keep staring at the walls hoping for something more.

“All you need is the plan, the road map and the courage to press on your destination” – Earl Nightingale

Reconnection is a scary thing as it allows for people to come back into your life. You know the past and what happened in it but you aren’t scared to embrace the future. Learning to admit to your own faults and hearing others admit to theirs helps the healing process begin. Don’t burn the bridges, instead construct them again to be stronger then before. What you had is gone now so make it better and stronger then ever.

Blood will always be the main bridge of life and nothing with ever change your parents, family, or friends who you consider to be like family. All you can do is work on what went wrong and fix it as best as possible. Earn the trust and forgiveness back. Work harder to build relationships and ask for help. Don’t be subtle in your apologies. Do what you have to do you can prove yourself worthy once again.

Ladies, gents and everything in between, don’t shut people off when they try to help. You’ll go crazy without them or you just won’t have them. You never truely understand what you have until it’s gone and you can’t do anything to get it back. Love strongly and be unbelievable with your forgiveness. Show them you can and stop disappointing yourself and whoever you hurt. Be the bigger person and apologise. It’s always the first and right step to make.

“Kill all thy distractions…Fly your spirit free” You (Netflix)

Staring at this blank page trying to fill it with black text isn’t something unusual. No longer able to get the words from this empty mind to the page and it’s crazy. Not knowing how or what to write anymore, this empty mind is always occupied with something else and it can’t bring anything else to mind when the time come to write. Desperately staring at the keyboard on a phone hoping a word will pop out as if it were like scrabble. But it’s not. Wasting away to stare some more.

Wishing to be elsewhere at the moment is ideal and Newcastle is where it’ll be. Hoping to go sooner rather then later now as it’s getting to be to much living in this town of dead opportunity and crushed hopes. There’s potential here to start a family and live the good life however the idea of living by the crashing waves and smelling that salty air again is way more appealing. It brings a fresh start, no worries or matters.

All good things come to those who wait but waiting is making this fragile mind almost break. It’s nearly gone, so barely there it can’t take a hit anymore. To say the least, it truly is wasting away in this place. Desperately grabbing at any chance to write something but again, it’s as useless as trying to make up a word to win scrabble. The thing is though, it seems like all the words have been used up. Alas the impending issue of not knowing what to say.

“Somethings are better off not said. But sometimes it needs to be said so we can move on” Unknown

Sleepless nights and empty pizza boxes are basically how I’m surviving at this point in time. I miss you more then you ever know and I wish I had you with me. I know why I can’t but it’s honestly the worst feeling to have. We love you so much and we wish you would’ve stuck around to meet us.

The easiest way to move on from the hurt is to keep moving forward and try harder to finish everything. I promise I’ll be better next time and I’ll show you what I’m capable of. We can do this if you promise me I’ll see you again.

The love we felt for you was more then we will ever understand and we’re still happy to have you in our lives. Even if that means you’ll be a memory for us. We love you so much little nugget. We will see you soon. You will have our love always.

“The path isn’t always a straight line: it’s a spiral. You continually come back to things you thought you understood and see deeper truths”- Barry.H.Gillespie

• 

The beginning is always the worst place to start, however it seems to be the only thing that expresses the correct chronological order of events in which we destroy ourselves so fully. All it took for her to be completely and utterly in love with him was a simple phone call, interrupting her daily Vampire Diaries binge session. Her heart was happy and her smile could’ve broken her face with the way it sat upon her lips. So full and beaming so radiantly, she begun her unconditional love for him and secretly he felt the same. The adventures that followed were filled with laughter and hand holding. Even at the end of one specific adventure, a stolen kiss was taken from her lips. Every night she would tell her best friend every detail, not sparing anything from what happened.

Then he got busy, their adventures started to slow down and rarely happened anymore and they grew distant. It broke her heart the night he broke things off in order to protect their hearts from further turmoil. Blaming distance and lost contact for the reason behind it, she began to lose herself. The nights got colder without his embrace, her liver was punished brutally to try and numb the pain. She disappeared without a trace most nights and would worry people who loved her. But without him, life just wasn’t something she wanted to experience alone. To go from a burning, passionate love, to a cold and harsh loneliness scarred her soul.

She began to sober herself and he began to trust that she wouldn’t hurt him like the others did. She broke the ice and made it known that she needed him in her life and he agreed almost instantly. The adventures began again and the love was coming back, however both were uncertain what to call it as it felt like love, without the label behind those four letters. They were free with each other, not tied downed to one another. Making life easier on them both, he agreed to help clean her broken heart and together they are still slowly picking up the pieces he once let fall to the floor.

“We all lose ourselves. But those who find themselves were never truly lost to begin with. They were just wandering aimlessly” – Unknown

Somewhere in the cloud of cigarette smoke and empty liquor bottles, she lies helplessly waiting for someone to pull her out of pity. She’s drowning her sorrows in spirts whilst losing herself with every sip she takes. The glass shattered around her and with every shard of glass was a piece of her soul which he took from her. She spiralled as she watched him leave her again. But like always, he came back and begged for her to let him back in. Only this time there was nothing left for him to break. Be it her heart or choices, they were taken away as if it meant nothing at all.

He lays awake staring at the ceiling waiting for any kind of communication from her, knowing he won’t get any response at all. He knows how he broke her one last time, but he also knew it was one solid piece. He could’ve been selfish and shattered her completely but he chose to do it in a single stroke of heartbreak. His words were harsh and loose but at the time it was the only thing he knew he could do. He loved her but he could never hurt her the way a relationship would’ve. So he did the only logical thing and broke away from his girl.

They both wait for the days to turn into nights so it becomes acceptable to drink again. Neither of them touch their phones to talk to one another, in fear of the response that could be waiting for them. Neither of them wanted to be the one to break the ice. Until she did. Lonely and broken, she finally reached for her phone and crafted that simple message that sparked their relationship once more. They choose now to let it grow and bloom like a flower in spring. So full and vibrant, a symbol of passion and hope. Knowing they now have each other once again.